Finding The Balance Without The Guilt

 My goal for this year is to simplify my life, get rid of stuff, relax, create. But this is a really hard thing to do when you try and balance it out with social obligations. I call them obligations but I don't mean them in the harsh sense of the word. I want to maintain my relationships, I love my friends, and that means getting together as much as possible, the problem is that I don't want to give up my free time right now. Part of the reason is that I am currently financially strapped so I can't enjoy eating out because of the cost involved, something I have always loved doing. Another issue is that I am enjoying my quiet time, I am enjoying my time that I have to read, and create, and do nothing but laze around if I want to. I actually NEED my quiet time right now, I feel like everyone is carping at me and people are so prickly right now. 

Point in fact; I was supposed to meet a friend for dinner, a friend who I have been neglecting of late, not because I don't want to see her, but because of the reasons I stated above. Its supposed to rain tonight, something that rarely happens in San Diego, so I just want to go home, get off the roads, brew a cup of tea and read - I was dreading having to go out after work. But I am ecstatic right now because I just got a reprieve, she cancelled on me. Wow, I should feel so bad right now but I don't - Guilt is eating away at me.

Funny, but I just read a blog on the same topic. This blogger wants to simplify her life as well. She posted a quote that I really like so I am re-posting it here. It is by Clementine Daily.

"To create a meaningful life, we choose what is most important today and stop “doing” what we’re not doing. This decision wrangles us free from guilt and resentment. A shift from managing an impossible list to a few measurable tasks comes with a surge of relief. We discover enough space and energy to finish what we start, and the moments of our lives are more profound in the absence of that unnecessary “I should…” dialogue."

I have not been able to rid myself of the guilt yet. I am feeling "pulled" my those that don't understand my NEED, my desperate need to be quiet, to not hear, to get rid of the noise. 

Is this selfish of me? Am I being a bad friend? Can I do what I need for myself right now without feeling the guilt?

Valentines Day

Valentines Day has never been a favorite day of mine. During the school years, when everyone gives out cards and such, I always felt that it was just one big popularity contest. I especially noticed this when my daughter was growing up because the school sold heart shaped lollipops for the kids to hand out to their friends. It really annoyed me that the school would do this because some kids got either none or only a couple, while the popular kids got several.

As I got older, and in relationships, I was always disappointed. No big box of chocolate, no dozen red roses, nada, zip, zilch. Waa!

This year however was the best valentines day ever. I can not believe how lucky I am. On Thursday, two day's before Valentines Day, my daughter and grand daughter sent an edible arrangement to me at work. I have always wanted one and it was so good. I shared it with my daughter and grand daughter that night and it was so cute but my grand daughter that it was so cool to eat grapes off a stick. - she is 17 months old.

Then the evening of Valentines Day, after dinner, my daughters boyfriend came home from work early and brought me roses! It really touched my heart.

I am blessed.

Coincidence

I just finished reading a book that if I knew what it was about I wouldn't have read it. However the description on the "back of the book" drew me in and from the first pages I was hooked and couldn't put it down.

One annoying thing was that it got me thinking again. Actually gave myself a headache. Ha ha, what is the answer? I have no idea but I wanted this book of fiction to answer it for me.

When I was a young girl I didn't question much. Of course I had the typical teen angst, why me? Or why her? As I got older I still didn't question much, things naturally went my way - I usually got what I wanted. As I am getting older though I am questioning everything, finding fault in the stars so to speak.

I think for most people life just has it's ups and downs, a virtual roller coaster. Sometimes you win and sometimes you lose. Of course there are those for whom it seems like the universe is always in their pocket and there are those that seem to not be able to catch a break. Life is always greener, however we really don't know people, even our closest friends. Some of it is luck, some chance, and some is plain hard work. So what is the answer. I believe the answer is who knows. There are those who are so deeply religious that they believe the hand of god is behind everything, and there are those who believe that the universe is random. As Luke reasons,

"Once I believed it, then I stopped believing it; and now I am not sure what to believe."

If everything happens for a reason, as a lot of people believe, then someone must be in control. However as Thomas states,

"The world is a random place. If I see a rock falling down the hill I don't imagine that anyone is controlling the way it bounces, sending it this way or that."

I am not sure this is a question that will ever be answered.

What do you think?

Grandma Again

My daughter just told me that she is pregnant again - she is bound and determined to age me. You see I am too young to be a grandma and now I am going to be one twice - and of course, this is all about me!

I really don't know how I feel about this pregnancy. She is happy, the father is happy, so that is all that counts really. I am worried, of course, money is tight and two kids are more expensive than one; at least they still have Kaylee's baby stuff. I, of course, will love the new baby. More cuddles and lots of love to go around.

Kaylee won't be quite 2 when this baby is born. I really wanted my precious girl to be older. I think it's important for her to be special for awhile longer, and I know that is silly, but never-the-less, it's how I feel. She will always be my special girl though.

I hope it is another girl!

Decisions

For some reason in the last several years I have had a hard time making decisions, for big things and for little things. It's extremely annoying and frustrating. It really makes it hard to do my crafts and to get other projects done. Maybe that's why I take so many classes because the classes make me concentrate on that one thing while the class is going on. Sure I am learning new techniques, I am digging down deep and exploring my feelings and desires, I am busting out of my comfort zone and doing actual writing - and I am enjoying it. However the writing and documenting isn't getting into actual journals or scrap books. I decided that I wasn't going to take any more classes until I can finish all my projects - there are so many - but now I have signed up for yet another one. All the current projects that I have signed up for and go hand-in-hand for a year long finished project, and that is great, but they are taking up time that should be spent on my unfinished projects.

That being said, this indecision is making it hard to get actual work done. I have so many unfinished projects, so many things I want to work on and can't seem to finish because it all involves making decisions. I even feel slightly schizophrenic in that I start on something and then my mind picks up on something else that distracts me, then I realize what I am doing and try and go back to the first thing. Ughs!

Saturday I decided to make a present for Yoli for her birthday. I knew I wanted to make a picture of sorts and I knew I wanted to use a quote, I even knew the quote I wanted to use. But when it came to actually designing the picture, picking paper, and ephemera, I was at a loss. It literally took me a full day and part of a night to finish this one little project. I did actually finish her present, and I was very excited to give it to her. I know that I work best when I have a deadline, an actual deadline not a self imposed one. Maybe I should work on a timeline to help me organize my projects to get stuff done.

In taking these classes some artists say to just take 5 minutes a day. I wish it were that easy for me.

What is causing this indecision? Is it that I am too stressed by life and therefor can't think straight? Am I too worried about making a mistake? I am a perfectionist, and I am restless, and my mind has too many thoughts in it. I am trying to be still. I am just having a hard time with it.

What am I missing, what is causing this? I wish I had answers. Maybe it will get easier in time. As mentioned, my word for the year is still. Maybe I am not still enough to relax so that I can create. I wish I had the answers so that I can accomplish more.

Help me!